getting home late so far is a trend. not something i'm super excited about, but a trend, none the less... i need a long board. and to take the bus, and to hang out at azalea and visit with anna and eat their free food and take advantage of their printer (when it starts working again) and their study areas. ironic how much i want to spend time there when i don't live there anymore? weird

i need to cut modern. it kills me to realize it. not so much because i like the class. i like the dancers, and i like david, the pianist, but i can't stand carol. she continuously drives me literally INSANE.

finally finished our lesson plan/workshop/project thing.

i have to have to have to have to HAVE to get organized and DO work this weekend. i have zero choice about this. Especially because, in addition to all of our other assignments, we are continuously given extra assignments that are due within a week.

you know, i just realized something. I am afraid of my teachers and professors. And I believe this is because I was afraid of my mom - who was my teacher growing up. Because she didn't know how to teach - no offense to her, but she didn't. Every single thing I did, she took personally, instead of depersonalizing everything, so I got in trouble on a super regular basis. I'm NOT A BAD STUDENT, not by any means. this realization makes me super sad. Especially when I think back of when my other classmates would hang out in their professor's offices and I would shrink away and try to do all the work on my own. I wouldn't go to anyone for help. which is why I would end up coming back to my sister for mental and emotional support. Considering all my back history with my biological father and all that stuff, I know now that it is a very large cause of my action/reaction to so many things growing up and especially within my education.

it's weird. I've had SO many deja vu moments this last week. Every time I have them, I just have to realize that God has me here for a reason, and he told me I would be where I am before.

the fact that i am so afraid of my teachers makes me realize why I am so afraid of intimidating my students.

i missed out on so much of my education because I always thought my teachers were out to get me and hated who i was because they gave me lower grades. especially at first. and i hate getting my work edited because i take it personally - when they really don't mean it personally.