I haven't posted in awhile, and this is probably a contributing factor to my cognitive overload of stressss.

Today in 557 we got yet another assignment on understanding. I get the idea that it's kinda like a pre-test and now the homework is totally a post-test. Holy CRAP I am so hungry right now. I'm also ridiculously addicted to sugar. Which is generally no bueno.

599 we did greenhouse tours and projects. Also allowed potential for teaching moments.

TCE 520 we did role playing activities for parent/teacher conferences --- i didn't read. crap. i need to read that. also need to really focus and read the upcoming chapter 7 for the next class. ALSO: something of note is that our next class is in Waldo 421 and i get to leave some form of revenge on the teacher before she gets there... muahahahahhaha... i'm excited, ok? awesome.

how it seems to go

High school: you suck at writing but learn how
College: you suck at writing, but learn how and become the ultimate BEAST at writing
Grad school: you REALLY suck at writing -- did you even ever learn ANYTHING on how to write?

‎"Must we always teach our children with books? Let them look at the stars and the mountains above. Let them look at the waters and the trees and flowers on Earth. Then they will begin to think, and to think is the beginning of a real education." -David Polis

avoid:

my life, currently

Procrastination at its worst... or finest? I don't know. but here I am. STILL in freaking Portland, NOT working on my endless list of homework that is due, well TOMORROW.


Ok, so it's not endless, but it's stuff that was due last week and I still haven't written it. So freaking Lame. Here I am, stressing, and I could have been working on it all this time. FML.


I really need to either start working on it ala now, or leave. like, now, to go work on it.

get stuff done, freaking woman.

So, Thursday and Friday we were in Redmond for the OVATA fall in-service conference. I think I'll have to say that I was so stressed out about the whole thing to really hone in on why we were there. I didn't understand much, and I didn't see the context of a whole lot and I was struggling to stay awake and I was, again, stressing about my upcoming presentation and making a good impression for Dr Velez, rather than actually participating in the event. I will also say that I hadn't really understood or known at all what to expect. All I was told in the context of the lesson planning assignment was to "know my audience" well, that sure doesn't help much at all. No wonder we all did poorly. Plus, we also were super short in our presentations because we never had the opportunity to present them in full, so we didn't really know how to go about presenting anything or how to budget our time in the presentation better.

Not only that, but the food wasn't the best, and sleep was kinda relative. I was stressing the entire way there and really didn't enjoy myself in the slightest. I think we should have done some group activity as a cohort, and that they should have had a presentation just for us "young pups" so that the whole event would not be so foreign and new ground for us. Plus, a more formal introduction for everyone would have been nice. I mean, we're all teachers, right? can't we have a group ice-breaker of sorts instead of just getting drunk together (aka: the BBQ the night before, when all us AgEd students were stressing about our presentations and super cold and super tired), and then going to super boring meetings.

I do understand that it was important in that they only do get together like, once or twice a year, but at the same time, it wasn't super encouraging to hear that the fees for being a part of the OVATA were about to go up in preparation for the upcoming conferences. Plus, since it's going to be in Hood River at the next one (summer), that means, considering I'm student teaching at that venue, perhaps I should get involved in the organization of it? Maybe not because I have endless amounts of spare time, but that it would look good if I were to put in some time organizing it.

Still struggling with that whole thing where I think teachers are really out to get me and end me and make my life miserable... they aren't. they want to help me, to be my friend, i guess that line just gets kinda frustrating when you calculate in how many times they are super unclear with their directions within the course of action... but that aside, it's really become a struggle for me to realize that teachers are NOT out to get me, and the corrections they give me are not directed at my personality, but at the work I have created and it is all based on what needs to be altered in that range of things, and not on my emotions. it's all the paper. all the logic of it. nothing emotional.


why must I always be soo freaking emotional all the time?

it's so annoying.

anyway, today in class we did more activities, Velez detailed some of the mistakes he had made last time and we went through ways he could change it - I guess you could say this was all reflection. then we talked about learning styles and if they even exist or not. then we talked a bit about marzano learning styles and then went on to do a group activity based on the combination of marzano styles and R&F variables.

in the second class today 554, we went through our lesson plans again and critiqued each other more.

again... still struggling with presenting things. Becks and I are kinda behind right now in that we haven't been able to really work though things together and organize it all to the point where we know who is doing what and how we are putting it together and presenting it to the teachers at the workshop.

last night, i caved and bought myself some teaching books. like, because honestly, i have zero idea how to teach and not feel personal with things. i should really go to CAPS... need to make an appointment. maybe another thing I can do is talk with Catherine Alden - she used to not only be a high school counselor, but also a principle and a teacher. plus, she's all about classroom management as that is the class I'm currently in with her. I really need to be able to be open and honest with my professors here and with my cooperating teachers back in Hood River. I should probably also work on gathering more organizational tools to work with when i go back home to provide for mom so that she doesn't freak out tooo super a lot of much when I do move back home.

oh, and today in class we talked more about the 4+ page paper we have to write on the definition of agricultural education that's due next wednesday. then i worked a bunch with becky on the lesson plan and additional worksheets.

i feel really bad for not doing more

which is why I'm pulling out of modern... i should email carol

getting home late so far is a trend. not something i'm super excited about, but a trend, none the less... i need a long board. and to take the bus, and to hang out at azalea and visit with anna and eat their free food and take advantage of their printer (when it starts working again) and their study areas. ironic how much i want to spend time there when i don't live there anymore? weird

i need to cut modern. it kills me to realize it. not so much because i like the class. i like the dancers, and i like david, the pianist, but i can't stand carol. she continuously drives me literally INSANE.

finally finished our lesson plan/workshop/project thing.

i have to have to have to have to HAVE to get organized and DO work this weekend. i have zero choice about this. Especially because, in addition to all of our other assignments, we are continuously given extra assignments that are due within a week.

you know, i just realized something. I am afraid of my teachers and professors. And I believe this is because I was afraid of my mom - who was my teacher growing up. Because she didn't know how to teach - no offense to her, but she didn't. Every single thing I did, she took personally, instead of depersonalizing everything, so I got in trouble on a super regular basis. I'm NOT A BAD STUDENT, not by any means. this realization makes me super sad. Especially when I think back of when my other classmates would hang out in their professor's offices and I would shrink away and try to do all the work on my own. I wouldn't go to anyone for help. which is why I would end up coming back to my sister for mental and emotional support. Considering all my back history with my biological father and all that stuff, I know now that it is a very large cause of my action/reaction to so many things growing up and especially within my education.

it's weird. I've had SO many deja vu moments this last week. Every time I have them, I just have to realize that God has me here for a reason, and he told me I would be where I am before.

the fact that i am so afraid of my teachers makes me realize why I am so afraid of intimidating my students.

i missed out on so much of my education because I always thought my teachers were out to get me and hated who i was because they gave me lower grades. especially at first. and i hate getting my work edited because i take it personally - when they really don't mean it personally.

Soooo today, I was late... AGAIN. officially 3 minutes late to the class. It's been quite an amount of time since then, but I obviously REMEMBER because it's TOTALY bothering me. Ulgh.

I am totally my worst critic.

Today in 557 I just felt generally inadequate. I apparently hadn't done the assignment the way Dr Thompson had intended, so I had to pass on the first go around and then totally work during class on top of that.

In addition, I'm still unsure about NUMEROUS terms and ideas that they are constantly throwing around during lecture. I need to figure all this stuff out...

Then to put the cherry on top of it all,  I stayed up til around 2:45am last night trying to work in previously stated homework. No Bueno to say the least.

then in addition to other things, I still had to put together my powerpoint homework between classes AND work in our lesson plan AND do  my reflection questions for tce520.

ulgh.

i hate being behind. I feel SO incredibly behind, even though TECHNICALLY i'm not behind in the slightest

anyway, off to orchestra and hopefully to workout afterwards, because being out of shape in addition to everything will only make matters all the worse

So, I've found myself staying up WAY RETARDEDLY too late.

why do i do this to myself? I'm only hurting me by procrastinating it... stupid.

but in my defense, I wasn't just bumming out on facebook this time. I was actually going to church, getting coffee with erin, catching up with a few AZAers that i haven't seen since June, and organizing my schedule, working out, and cooking/baking. then i worked on homework. which really, isn't all that much. I've just put it off because I'm a total and complete bum. It's dumb.

anyway, did the ag model/chart thing. i think it looks cool. hopefully dr thompson will agree... we'll see.

still have to do my powerpoint, but i have most of the pictures assembled, all i need to do is make it look presentable in a powerpoint form -- hopefully i can do that between classes considering i'll have around 4 hours between them today. awesome.

i also still need to read my TCE520 book and do the reflection questions that are on blackboard (about half a page each).

think i should have enough time if i just go to the library and POWERITOUT

Got myself to campus today and picked up a 5-subject at Fred's on my way. Once I got to the library, I transferred all my notes into it. Took about an hour, but I'm really happy with it. 

Organization has to be SUPER important this year, if I'm not organized, I'm more than likely to forget something VERY important, which would have even worse consequences this year than any year previous.

My next projects for the day include putting together a term-long master syllabus. I'm determined to be organized and super on top of things this year.

I also hope to potentially stop by Borders to look through some teaching books that I'll probably buy online to help me work on teaching styles, strategies, methods, and learn all those ridiculous abbreviations, terms and definitions that I'm currently super lost within.

Worked on our group project for presenting lessons to the teachers at fall in-service that will be next week. after researching it a bunch on my own, i found out when we met up that our second idea had been vetoed. Super depressing and generally frustrating. But we figured out a new one and we think it's pretty awesome. Finding viscosity of various food substances (sauces) when dropped from given heights, measure the diameters to find the circumference and map it all out on a chart. Pretty cool if you ask me. Nice and hands-on, which is always a plus.

I think I'm going to be TAing for ANS121. I'm actually really excited about it. I loved that lab. A lot of people who are TAing for it are in it for the credits and the public speaking. I'm in it for the teaching experience, even though it's not a whole lot. Also, because I know something when I can teach it to someone else, so that means I should (theoretically) be really good at the topics presented in the labs when it comes time for me to actually know what I'm doing when I'm a teacher or working with my student teaching things.

Also, I talked with a guy who I think might have been in last years cohort and he gave me a ton of advice about getting up on my game right now and getting things done with a super lot of detail before spring term hits. Also told me to get this book on teaching strategies, which put me into the idea of getting some books on teaching because they might actually help. Not that I have a super lot of time to be reading things, but it's better than nothing and getting my nose in at every turn is kinda important. I want to do well. Not just kinda well, not just average. I want to do well. And I know that right now, currently, I don't have what it takes to be a teacher. I am not a teacher. but I am becoming what I already am. Which... is an Ag teacher?

I don't say that with a lot of confidence because I'm not sure that's what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, but there's a good chance that I'll be doing it for a good portion of it. So yes.

I am going to be an Agricultural Education Teacher.

I am not one now

but I have it in me

and I am becoming what I already am

what is already planned out for me

I am on my way.

One small step at a time.

They didn't get to the moon in one try,  or in one night, so why should I expect to magically become a teacher overnight?