Today, I was abruptly awakened at 10:48am to a phone call from an unknown number. It was one of my students. Apparently this state degree meeting is an all day thing -- that started at 10. Awesome. And I hadn't showered in days. Also awesome. So I panicked (might have stopped mid-getting dressed to jump up and down, screaming out of frustration) and got ready as fast as I could.

I pretty much just helped the students work on their degree paperwork all day. It was slightly frustrating, and probably mostly annoying paperwork at that.

Some of the students kept saying that I was in a bad mood. This is frustrating. So I tried to be more positive. I think the problem is that I'm not accustomed to the weather here just yet. It's basically a freezer. I'm also not a huge fan of music within the country genre. I'm also used to hanging out with college students and doing whatever with them and having the freedom to do whatever whenever. Not so anymore.

Hence: frustration station.

In other news: the system for kids to assemble their record books and paperwork for their state/american degrees is completely ridiculous. It's all written in accounting language that even I had a hard time ciphering. And I'm a graduate student. These were high school juniors trying to figure out what in the world things were saying... I felt bad. But also realized that the record keeping section that I will be presenting to the class in another week is going to be difficult. Much more difficult than I had originally anticipated because I don't really know what I'm presenting information on, and I don't really know what I'm doing in general, plus, it's ridiculously hard for me to understand, so how in the world am I going to be able to present it in a way that they can understand it? ulgh.... it's like learning how to translate while still not even knowing the language.

Might be meeting up with my CT on sunday to go over things I'll be teaching in the next... week/term.

weird.

Some school is good. Quite useful, in fact.

However, it is NOT good when you realize you have been at school, doing school, or away from the people you regularly hang out with - or people at all for that matter, in literally months, if not over a year.

Insanity? I think so.

I realized tonight that I have been either stressed and overwhelmed by my education or out of the state or mentally gone for well over a year now.

Why? Because I was so socially awkward tonight. Granted, there were those of which I did not really want to talk with indepth because I did not want them to get the wrong ideas about me... or just get ideas in general.

But all the same, i kinda continued to feel left out of normal social conversations because I've been so consumed by my education - which includes me being out of state all summer.

Going from school stress to another state to state fair to student teaching to mega school stress to student teaching stress is not a good thing to do in the span of one year. No wonder I got shingles this summer. It's no wonder that they haven't reoccurred for cereal again since. I mean, srsly.

I will have to say that it was wonderful to see the people I love again, and to know that other people appreciated seeing me tonight. I really need to plan on getting out and hanging with people my age much more often, and especially with the oncoming student teaching. aaahh! it all hits in tomorrow.

no me gusta.

pdx sbx

I'm wasting time in a pdx sbx before I head off to a get-together that some old friends of mine are having in sw pdx. I'm both nervous and excited. Probably the same as I am about teaching this next term. I really need to keep up with this blog while I'm teaching. Posting anything and everything about the goings on of my grad school program.

I have to keep reminding myself of that: I am a graduate school student. Grad school.

weird.

In other news, I start teaching next monday. MONDAY. one week from today. So insane to think about.

I have to rework all of my currently put-together lesson plans. All 10 of the ones I put together so far. Meaning I have to assemble 20 within the next week or so.

However, I have ready access to all the resources I will need at HRV starting tomorrow. and I'll be the only one in the shops, so I can readily do whatever I need to do without worrying about how long I am spending at the desk.

The real question is: Do I want to continue formulating my lessons in the exact order that Schmidt is suggesting, or should I try a way that I find to be better? based on my current [non]understanding of the material? The other question is: what will I teach during my animal science section? Should I present a Companion Animal section, ending in a trip to the animal hospital, or should I focus more on canines? i can't decide... it's super frustrating. I mean, I could plan a trip to the Rose City Dog Show, but it's in January, and quite a long stretch of time before I would be presenting my information, I am sure. So... not so much. Plus the expense of the trip... not so much.

I guess the question I am trying to get is: what, after presenting the material for 2 weeks, do I want my students to have learned, or take away from the material? What do I want them to learn? What should I teach them? What is important information? What about the world of companion animals is important? Are canines that important that I need to teach them a different part of it/them at every lesson? What should I present? aaaahh...

Part of me is leaning more towards companion animals as a whole, as is is much more relevant in the grand scheme of things, as it is simply a more relevant topi c.... yeah, I just said that like, twice. AWESOME...

I can't believe fall term is almost over. I mean, it is. I just have two more days of final assignments to finish and turn in  (aka: start, finish, and turn in). But still... in less than a month, I will be back at the high school, teaching away.

Weird.

The other thing that will be interesting is that my whole take on the operation is totally different. And I... at least I feel like I'm more confident about the whole thing.

It's going to be really different going back. Really different....

I wonder if I should get some things for my desk. Such as files for my classes - what classes am I teaching anyway? I can't remember.... hmm. Something to look into for sure.

I told my professor a few days ago that I didn't know why I was in the program.


....i still don't.

I don't know if I ever will. but I guess I'll see how things work out next term with full time teaching and all that. ulgh. I am soo not looking forward to it all because things are going to be hard. wow. vague.

translation: living at home is going to suck.

I realized that I haven't really made a point to focus on some of the positive things I've come across with student teaching.

When I was at my HRVHS September eperience, the studnets would, after a given amount of time, come to me with questions and hang out by my desk in the mornings or between their classes. One of the students brought me cupcakes to hand out to my class.

When I was teaching at Dallas, students came up and shook my hand after my lesson. It was awesome to be respected in that way.

At fall retreat this weekend, Hailey said that she felt I was called to teaching. Whatever is there for me, I've been built and made for what it requires of me and it is where I will best be able to share my light with others. She said she didn't know why she saw that in me, but it was there, and I know in my heart that God told her.

my only form of sanity and release

it's interesting. so many times i feel like i'm living in someone else's shadow. Following them, doing what they did, liking what they liked... but realistically... I couldn't be more of an individualistic person.

I mean, just look at my interests and activities. I don't know anyone nearly as active and involved as me.

Dance
Orchestra
Violin Lessons
Real Life
Small Group
Agriculture (and everything in it)
Longboarding
Biking
Snowboarding


so... I guess I should cease my ideas that I am copying someone, or that I am nothing original or unique or special. ...Or that there is zero reason for someone to be interested in me.

There's so many reasons. i've got a lot of interests and hobbies. Maybe it's why no one is currently because I've always been soooo freaking involved that I'm stressed because I have little to no free time

but all the same, it's building me into who I am

it is who I am.

I am not in anyone's shadow. I stand in the light on my own.

I haven't posted in awhile, and this is probably a contributing factor to my cognitive overload of stressss.

Today in 557 we got yet another assignment on understanding. I get the idea that it's kinda like a pre-test and now the homework is totally a post-test. Holy CRAP I am so hungry right now. I'm also ridiculously addicted to sugar. Which is generally no bueno.

599 we did greenhouse tours and projects. Also allowed potential for teaching moments.

TCE 520 we did role playing activities for parent/teacher conferences --- i didn't read. crap. i need to read that. also need to really focus and read the upcoming chapter 7 for the next class. ALSO: something of note is that our next class is in Waldo 421 and i get to leave some form of revenge on the teacher before she gets there... muahahahahhaha... i'm excited, ok? awesome.

how it seems to go

High school: you suck at writing but learn how
College: you suck at writing, but learn how and become the ultimate BEAST at writing
Grad school: you REALLY suck at writing -- did you even ever learn ANYTHING on how to write?

‎"Must we always teach our children with books? Let them look at the stars and the mountains above. Let them look at the waters and the trees and flowers on Earth. Then they will begin to think, and to think is the beginning of a real education." -David Polis

avoid:

my life, currently

Procrastination at its worst... or finest? I don't know. but here I am. STILL in freaking Portland, NOT working on my endless list of homework that is due, well TOMORROW.


Ok, so it's not endless, but it's stuff that was due last week and I still haven't written it. So freaking Lame. Here I am, stressing, and I could have been working on it all this time. FML.


I really need to either start working on it ala now, or leave. like, now, to go work on it.

get stuff done, freaking woman.

So, Thursday and Friday we were in Redmond for the OVATA fall in-service conference. I think I'll have to say that I was so stressed out about the whole thing to really hone in on why we were there. I didn't understand much, and I didn't see the context of a whole lot and I was struggling to stay awake and I was, again, stressing about my upcoming presentation and making a good impression for Dr Velez, rather than actually participating in the event. I will also say that I hadn't really understood or known at all what to expect. All I was told in the context of the lesson planning assignment was to "know my audience" well, that sure doesn't help much at all. No wonder we all did poorly. Plus, we also were super short in our presentations because we never had the opportunity to present them in full, so we didn't really know how to go about presenting anything or how to budget our time in the presentation better.

Not only that, but the food wasn't the best, and sleep was kinda relative. I was stressing the entire way there and really didn't enjoy myself in the slightest. I think we should have done some group activity as a cohort, and that they should have had a presentation just for us "young pups" so that the whole event would not be so foreign and new ground for us. Plus, a more formal introduction for everyone would have been nice. I mean, we're all teachers, right? can't we have a group ice-breaker of sorts instead of just getting drunk together (aka: the BBQ the night before, when all us AgEd students were stressing about our presentations and super cold and super tired), and then going to super boring meetings.

I do understand that it was important in that they only do get together like, once or twice a year, but at the same time, it wasn't super encouraging to hear that the fees for being a part of the OVATA were about to go up in preparation for the upcoming conferences. Plus, since it's going to be in Hood River at the next one (summer), that means, considering I'm student teaching at that venue, perhaps I should get involved in the organization of it? Maybe not because I have endless amounts of spare time, but that it would look good if I were to put in some time organizing it.

Still struggling with that whole thing where I think teachers are really out to get me and end me and make my life miserable... they aren't. they want to help me, to be my friend, i guess that line just gets kinda frustrating when you calculate in how many times they are super unclear with their directions within the course of action... but that aside, it's really become a struggle for me to realize that teachers are NOT out to get me, and the corrections they give me are not directed at my personality, but at the work I have created and it is all based on what needs to be altered in that range of things, and not on my emotions. it's all the paper. all the logic of it. nothing emotional.


why must I always be soo freaking emotional all the time?

it's so annoying.

anyway, today in class we did more activities, Velez detailed some of the mistakes he had made last time and we went through ways he could change it - I guess you could say this was all reflection. then we talked about learning styles and if they even exist or not. then we talked a bit about marzano learning styles and then went on to do a group activity based on the combination of marzano styles and R&F variables.

in the second class today 554, we went through our lesson plans again and critiqued each other more.

again... still struggling with presenting things. Becks and I are kinda behind right now in that we haven't been able to really work though things together and organize it all to the point where we know who is doing what and how we are putting it together and presenting it to the teachers at the workshop.

last night, i caved and bought myself some teaching books. like, because honestly, i have zero idea how to teach and not feel personal with things. i should really go to CAPS... need to make an appointment. maybe another thing I can do is talk with Catherine Alden - she used to not only be a high school counselor, but also a principle and a teacher. plus, she's all about classroom management as that is the class I'm currently in with her. I really need to be able to be open and honest with my professors here and with my cooperating teachers back in Hood River. I should probably also work on gathering more organizational tools to work with when i go back home to provide for mom so that she doesn't freak out tooo super a lot of much when I do move back home.

oh, and today in class we talked more about the 4+ page paper we have to write on the definition of agricultural education that's due next wednesday. then i worked a bunch with becky on the lesson plan and additional worksheets.

i feel really bad for not doing more

which is why I'm pulling out of modern... i should email carol

getting home late so far is a trend. not something i'm super excited about, but a trend, none the less... i need a long board. and to take the bus, and to hang out at azalea and visit with anna and eat their free food and take advantage of their printer (when it starts working again) and their study areas. ironic how much i want to spend time there when i don't live there anymore? weird

i need to cut modern. it kills me to realize it. not so much because i like the class. i like the dancers, and i like david, the pianist, but i can't stand carol. she continuously drives me literally INSANE.

finally finished our lesson plan/workshop/project thing.

i have to have to have to have to HAVE to get organized and DO work this weekend. i have zero choice about this. Especially because, in addition to all of our other assignments, we are continuously given extra assignments that are due within a week.

you know, i just realized something. I am afraid of my teachers and professors. And I believe this is because I was afraid of my mom - who was my teacher growing up. Because she didn't know how to teach - no offense to her, but she didn't. Every single thing I did, she took personally, instead of depersonalizing everything, so I got in trouble on a super regular basis. I'm NOT A BAD STUDENT, not by any means. this realization makes me super sad. Especially when I think back of when my other classmates would hang out in their professor's offices and I would shrink away and try to do all the work on my own. I wouldn't go to anyone for help. which is why I would end up coming back to my sister for mental and emotional support. Considering all my back history with my biological father and all that stuff, I know now that it is a very large cause of my action/reaction to so many things growing up and especially within my education.

it's weird. I've had SO many deja vu moments this last week. Every time I have them, I just have to realize that God has me here for a reason, and he told me I would be where I am before.

the fact that i am so afraid of my teachers makes me realize why I am so afraid of intimidating my students.

i missed out on so much of my education because I always thought my teachers were out to get me and hated who i was because they gave me lower grades. especially at first. and i hate getting my work edited because i take it personally - when they really don't mean it personally.

Soooo today, I was late... AGAIN. officially 3 minutes late to the class. It's been quite an amount of time since then, but I obviously REMEMBER because it's TOTALY bothering me. Ulgh.

I am totally my worst critic.

Today in 557 I just felt generally inadequate. I apparently hadn't done the assignment the way Dr Thompson had intended, so I had to pass on the first go around and then totally work during class on top of that.

In addition, I'm still unsure about NUMEROUS terms and ideas that they are constantly throwing around during lecture. I need to figure all this stuff out...

Then to put the cherry on top of it all,  I stayed up til around 2:45am last night trying to work in previously stated homework. No Bueno to say the least.

then in addition to other things, I still had to put together my powerpoint homework between classes AND work in our lesson plan AND do  my reflection questions for tce520.

ulgh.

i hate being behind. I feel SO incredibly behind, even though TECHNICALLY i'm not behind in the slightest

anyway, off to orchestra and hopefully to workout afterwards, because being out of shape in addition to everything will only make matters all the worse

So, I've found myself staying up WAY RETARDEDLY too late.

why do i do this to myself? I'm only hurting me by procrastinating it... stupid.

but in my defense, I wasn't just bumming out on facebook this time. I was actually going to church, getting coffee with erin, catching up with a few AZAers that i haven't seen since June, and organizing my schedule, working out, and cooking/baking. then i worked on homework. which really, isn't all that much. I've just put it off because I'm a total and complete bum. It's dumb.

anyway, did the ag model/chart thing. i think it looks cool. hopefully dr thompson will agree... we'll see.

still have to do my powerpoint, but i have most of the pictures assembled, all i need to do is make it look presentable in a powerpoint form -- hopefully i can do that between classes considering i'll have around 4 hours between them today. awesome.

i also still need to read my TCE520 book and do the reflection questions that are on blackboard (about half a page each).

think i should have enough time if i just go to the library and POWERITOUT

Got myself to campus today and picked up a 5-subject at Fred's on my way. Once I got to the library, I transferred all my notes into it. Took about an hour, but I'm really happy with it. 

Organization has to be SUPER important this year, if I'm not organized, I'm more than likely to forget something VERY important, which would have even worse consequences this year than any year previous.

My next projects for the day include putting together a term-long master syllabus. I'm determined to be organized and super on top of things this year.

I also hope to potentially stop by Borders to look through some teaching books that I'll probably buy online to help me work on teaching styles, strategies, methods, and learn all those ridiculous abbreviations, terms and definitions that I'm currently super lost within.

Worked on our group project for presenting lessons to the teachers at fall in-service that will be next week. after researching it a bunch on my own, i found out when we met up that our second idea had been vetoed. Super depressing and generally frustrating. But we figured out a new one and we think it's pretty awesome. Finding viscosity of various food substances (sauces) when dropped from given heights, measure the diameters to find the circumference and map it all out on a chart. Pretty cool if you ask me. Nice and hands-on, which is always a plus.

I think I'm going to be TAing for ANS121. I'm actually really excited about it. I loved that lab. A lot of people who are TAing for it are in it for the credits and the public speaking. I'm in it for the teaching experience, even though it's not a whole lot. Also, because I know something when I can teach it to someone else, so that means I should (theoretically) be really good at the topics presented in the labs when it comes time for me to actually know what I'm doing when I'm a teacher or working with my student teaching things.

Also, I talked with a guy who I think might have been in last years cohort and he gave me a ton of advice about getting up on my game right now and getting things done with a super lot of detail before spring term hits. Also told me to get this book on teaching strategies, which put me into the idea of getting some books on teaching because they might actually help. Not that I have a super lot of time to be reading things, but it's better than nothing and getting my nose in at every turn is kinda important. I want to do well. Not just kinda well, not just average. I want to do well. And I know that right now, currently, I don't have what it takes to be a teacher. I am not a teacher. but I am becoming what I already am. Which... is an Ag teacher?

I don't say that with a lot of confidence because I'm not sure that's what I'll be doing for the rest of my life, but there's a good chance that I'll be doing it for a good portion of it. So yes.

I am going to be an Agricultural Education Teacher.

I am not one now

but I have it in me

and I am becoming what I already am

what is already planned out for me

I am on my way.

One small step at a time.

They didn't get to the moon in one try,  or in one night, so why should I expect to magically become a teacher overnight?

Alright, so it's been awhile since I've posted. I'm done with my "daily reflections" for student teaching, but part of me feels like I should really push myself to keep up with this so that I keep track of everything and know what I've done from day to day, and how my ideas about things have changed.

The first and most important thing to mention is that I'm not terrified like I was before, still very wary about everything though. The other thing is that things are going well, and if I make sure to stay more than on top of things, I might actually accomplish stuff, which is an awesome thought. It's just a matter of being a super organized and put-together person, which, doesn't come naturally to me, but I can make myself if I have to, and I do, sooo there you go.

the other thing is that Velez is really going to push me into reflections because he knows I detest it. Sooo I might as well start by making myself do it on my own so that when the time comes to actually reflect on things more, I'm able to do it

Late nights with early mornings are mostly miserable, but also exciting adventures. Keeping the kids positive is always a difficult thing, especially with teenagers. Mrs Bozarth and I took the kids out the Pendleton for the junior livestock show there. They were nervous and I guess I was too, because even though I was completely unfamiliar with the material, I was responsible for instructing them in the topic, so I had researched it as much as possible, and attempted in every way to approach the subject in an interesting and engaging way. I think part of their nerves was also in part because they were now put up to a challenge of working things out on their own instead of being able to rely on their classmates to help them with details they might not remember on their own from lack of experience or time on the topic. But the interesting thing was that when they were done, they felt fairly confident in their work, which is definitely an exciting thing to hear.

It's weird knowing that I won't be working with these students again for a long time. Kinda sad to think about, really. The longer I've been here at HRVHS, the more I've gotten to know the students, and especially this last week I've gotten to know more of the students names, which has really helped in multiple ways. They know I know who they are. They aren't just a body in the class anymore. They matter. They know that I know they exist. They are no longer afraid to approach me, but are also much more respectful and pay attention because they want to be thought well of. Managing a class where I know the students names is so much easier, and I've really put in the extra effort to burn their respective names into my memory so that I won't have to use so many generalizations in the future when trying to get their attention.

Last Friday of student teaching for September. So weird. But from the things I decided during the last B period day, which was Wednesday, where I just have to be super confident in what I'm doing and not be afraid to really call out kids, things actually didn't go super horribly. The other thing, because I've been here awhile, and students have come to realize that I really am a teacher, not just an observing student, and not just a substitute, but an actual teacher, they have actually been coming to me with questions about assignments and other tasks on the land lab in addition to the instructor for that class. Knowing names has also helped with this. And actually, during last period (8th), Mrs Bozarth had a substitute for the day because she was home with a sick child, and a lot of the students were more ready and willing to ask me for assistance on the assignment than their substitute teacher. They were working out of their text books, so I pulled one out and went over it and went through the questions at the end of the chapter so that I would be able to help them answer them when questions would come up.

One other thing I really started to notice was that students would come by before, between, and during lunch to just come by and say hi - to me - not just the other teachers in the rooms, and some of the students were from the classes that I primarily taught, namely the 4th period principles of agriculture class, and they had not ordinarily come by the classroom other than for their class. Maybe this isn't much, and doesn't mean anything, but it kinda made my day. I know I have a long way to go, but maybe, just maybe I'm not really doing so bad after all?

Thursday. Today is my last A day here at HRVHS before I go back to fall term at OSU. So not excited about my return because I literally have 0% idea of what I will be doing. Alright, so I know that I'll be teaching, and I've been going over my course load with Mr Schmidt, but that aside, I'm super nervous because I don't know exactly what I will be doing. I suppose I don't need to worry about that right now, but as things have already been so far, I have to be 289% prepared for everything, everything, everything. Hands down, no questions asked.

I'm not looking forward to fall term. Not at all. I'm terrified. I know I will be underestimated at every turn and continuously shut down with everything I do - even when I am 289% prepared. I'm not thick, I know the whole point of programs like these is to psych me out and make me think that I can't do anything at all. It's a combination of mental stress and busy work.

That aside, I am sad to leave HRV. I've really started to get attached to my students here. I remember this happening back when I was working with the students out at Santiam High in Mill City. I love kids. I love working with them. I love watching them progress through their studies.

I love watching my own reaction to students changing. I've walked into classrooms where I've hated a student for a look they continually gave me, but I had to keep in mind that they each have their own background. They all come from somewhere. Life sucks. Especially for high school students. But it shouldn't matter where they come from or how they treat me, I should approach them all in the same, familiar way. I just have to give them all a clean slate from one day to the next to keep myself from forming prejudices for or against them.

Wednesday. It's a B day again. But I was determined to keep going.

It's funny, I grew up knowing that talking back was never good. In any circumstances, no matter what. Why is it then, that this is the only way you can get through to high school boys? It goes against every single thread of who I am to talk to someone that way. But at the same time. It works like magic. I've pretty much always been a super polite person. Never wanting to get on the wrong side of someone and such. But with high school boys, it's like you have to give awkward silences, stare them down, call them out, be a bit sassy and ask them if your instruction is interrupting their conversation. It's weird. It's like speaking a foreign language to me. Not that being in charge of a group of students is hard for me, it's not that at all. I can do that. It's the part where I have to manage the whole class and work with the students who are alright with being there and want to know how to do things and what is up for that day and with the students who couldn't give a crap about anything, much less spending 90 minutes listening to me drone about safety tests - again.

I guess I've been too scared to really pull any cards like calling kids out and doing more than just shushing everyone or waiting for them to actually shut up, or telling them to be quiet. But I made myself go for it. I totally called out some boys in my 6th period class while talking about safety and proper use of the cylinders in the welding shop. I stopped, waited, then called them out by name and asked if I was interrupting their conversation. And it worked. It took them completely by surprise. I hadn't expected it to. But all the same, I am kinda the equivalent to a substitute teacher here, and they will try every little thing to get on my nerves and weave their way around my instructions and plan of action at every turn. But on the same note, I know I can't pull things like that all the time, or else it will become old hat to them and will have no meaning. The other thing is that a lot of people think I might be easy to mold into shape, or work around, or someone who wouldn't hold their ground. But it's not true. I have no problem in standing my ground.

All the same though, part of me wishes I could do something a bit more extreme with my life, at least for awhile so that people (especially students and the teachers I'm working with currently) will really understand that I'm not someone that you can walk over. I am and look young, I go to Church, I don't have a boyfriend, I'm not married, I'm still in school, and I am a dancer. People like giving me endless crap for all of that. But I'm made of more than that. I may be female, but I am, in no way, weak.

Today is an A day, which, although still busy and nerve wracking, somehow always seems to go by better than B days. Perhaps this is because, with my current schedule, I have both Mr Schmidt's hardest group of boys to work with during 6th period, and Mr Bozarth's hardest group of boys to work with during 7th period, plus, I also have Mr Schmidt's 5th period, which is also a fairly difficult group of boys. Somehow, 8th period is not quite as bad, which is nice, but hard to get through because I'm always super exhausted by the time it rolls around.

A days start and end with Principles of Ag, which is an introductory class for freshmen. At first I didn't like it because it was a bunch of unruly 8th graders. But after having worked with them more, and getting to know their names better, things have been going quite well.

Going through the directions to the enth degree is something I have a really hard time with. Probably because I, personally, know to follow the directions after reading them, and if I don't get it, I re-read them a few times. I'm a quiet person by nature (in my own classes anyway) and rarely find the need to ask a question. I find this very difficult and frustrating when part of the course grade is on discussion and participation. Just because I don't ask retarded questions doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. I can usually figure things out on my own fairly well. This in mind, it's super hard for me to remember that other students in my classes that I'm teaching probably don't process things how I do and probably need to be actively participating and discussing things in order to comprehend them, in order to proceed to the next thing. So, this in mind, I made sure to go through the instructions a bazillion times, not in a dry way, but an energetic way, engaging the students, and asking pointed questions, asking for hands and calling students by name. It went well. They knew what was going on. They knew what to do next. There was no question about what the project was going to be that class. The students knew what was going on. They were happy. I was happy they were excited about it. It was really a dry subject. I mean, seriously. The FFA timeline is boring. But with the project assigned for that day and the attitude I went into it with made a world of a difference. Add in the bonus that it was to be a competition for the best presented poster of a timeline and they were determined to put their creative juices into action.

I was literally jumping for joy (on the inside, of course), because after how low I felt from yesterday, I was basically 92% certain that I would not complete the year. But I guess there is some hope? Maybe? of things going well in some classes, on some days.

I hate my 6th period class. There is just no getting around it. I've talked with Mr Schmidt about it, and he readily admits that it is his worst and hardest group of kids to work with.

I was nervous about Dr Velez coming to observe me, but all the same, I knew I just had to get through it and all I could do was my best, regardless, I couldn't sleep the night before because of it. That aside, it really threw me off when he said hello before the period started. I'm so used to a simple nod and a "hey, what's up," that the whole super formal hello with formal names and handshake totally threw me for a loop and really set my nerves on edge and adrenaline running. I felt so unprepared for what was ahead. I knew that no matter what I was about to do in the next 90 minutes would not be acceptable and I wouldn't measure up to anything. My confidence completely died at that moment. But I knew I had to pull it together in the next 28 seconds, otherwise nothing would happen and I really would be a failure.

It was super difficult because I had seen these kids, maybe three times. I knew a few names, but not many. I'd been so overwhelmed in the last few times I had seen this class that I hadn't know what to do. Plus, having next to no experience leading a class, I don't always know what to do or how to manage the students.

The weird thing was that I found myself having more confidence to lead the class that I had ever had before. Something I had not expected. Student teaching with other teachers, especially their current teachers, and past teachers who are now my college professor, is super intimidating. It's quite comparable to babysitting kids while their parents are still at home - still in the same room as you, watching your every move and criticizing your every word. I hate it. I'm so less confident when I'm being watched. I think it's because I'm always afraid I'm doing something wrong, even if I am experienced and confident in the subject. But I pushed through with the period and got through it. Heaven help me to never have another experience like that again.

Moved some of my stuff down to Corvallis today. I can't wait to be back down in Corvallis and really get my stuff organized and set up. I'm really anticipating a lot of organizational stuff that I will have to do in order to just keep up with all the assignments and school -- but to be ahead of everything and not get stressed means that I have to be even more on top of my game with homework and school than ever before. This will be a mega challenge. Because between school and normal life, I'm going to really want to just be a normal person, but this is one last year, and I can do this. Ain't no thing, right? Well, ok, not really at all, I'm really stressed. But God said not to worry and to give it up to Him, and when I do that, I do better at basically everything, it's super hard, but I really can't say that it doesn't help, because it so does. God is pretty bomb awesome like that.

Today actually went better than I thought it would. I wasn't super nervous about the classes coming in. I even was able to do most of the classes that we did have. I think going to the leadership camp actually put me in the right place because now I know more of how to be around the kids and where my place is in everything. It's kind of hard to really describe, but it's like, when I used to be a counselor at YMA, I knew my place with the kids and what was expected of me, but as a student teacher, I have no idea what my place is. All I know is that it's just super stressful and a lot of professionalism and way lots of responsibility that is super overwhelming in addition to real life and all that. But now, post leadership camp, I'm not afraid of things like I was before. It's just a matter of being more prepared than I would ordinarily think and just getting on top of my work. Everything else should really be no big deal... theoretically this idea is good anyway.

Day two of leadership camp. Started off waking up to a most unwanted text from someone I haven't talked to in eight months, which really pulled my already ridiculous day down. But I shoved it out of my mind and focused on the first task at hand: be super stoked to jump in a freezing creek at 6am. I pulled through and it was super fun.

Unfortunately, even after downing a lot of coffee, which usually affects me well, I was still quite obviously tired. But it was due to a lot of things, not to mention the fact that I only got 3 hours of sleep from having to stay up most of the night because the roll call of the students wasn't done properly the first time, so we had to go around the girls' cabins several times to make sure that no one was missing.

But lack of sleep aside, the rest of camp went well and I was finally able to go through my binder with Schmidt, which really helped me calm down. That, and also the fact that this leadership camp has just really helped me relax, because really? this whole teaching things is totally nothing new, and I'm totally down for it, and able to do it. Like, totally no prob. Or at least, in the confidence part... I just get super nervous when I'm working with the kids, I mean, sometimes I get nervous because I don't feel I'm capable of doing what I actually can do. Nerves. So obnoxious sometimes.

Today is day one of the two-day leadership camp for FFA officers and members who want to be officers for the Mt Hood and the Lower Willamette Districts. Going into it I was slightly nervous about what my place would exactly be, but once things got started up, I realized that it was not unlike the 4-H Leadership camps that I had attended for several years in the past. After that realization, things just fell into place pretty easily for me. I went between watching the students and the worships they were in, and where the teachers were hanging out. The only difficult part is that students are more likely to come to me to ask things such as locations of buildings and activities they can anticipate. But that in mind, I just worked on memorizing things before questions were presented and was more than prepared when such things arose.

But all the same, I kinda feel like I'm getting stuck with all the crappy jobs and being made to do unfortunate things. But all the same, it's nothing really all that new to me, and I'm used to doing the less pleasant things, plus, it gives me the opportunity to be, well, stuck with all the annoying everythings so that it won't be a problem for me later.

Tomorrow is leadership camp for us, and we're working on getting the kids' information together for all of it in addition to meeting and departure times.

When I was helping with a construction and mechanics class, at first, I didn't feel super prepared for the position of directing kids to work at various stations, but after things started going, I knew that someone had to do it, and it had to be me, and I was already capable of doing the task at hand. Really, showing kids how to do stuff, is no different than just conversing them and showing them something that I'm interested in that I want to share with them. Isn't that what teaching is all about?

Another week. Already. So crazy. Seriously, time is just flying by. Between being tired, and never feeling prepared, I plug forward and presented a lesson to the kids in the Vet Science class. Shouldn't be a big deal, as I totally worked in an animal hospital for 6 years, except that right now we're working on preparing for the livestock judging contest that will be in like, two weeks. This is one subject that I literally know nothing about. But thankfully I have been able to go over and through some old power points and look up stuff a lot online and watch videos of oral reasons and look  and compare class after class after class, and think over and over again about the livestock judging contest back at state fair. I also put together another handout for the kids to show them how to take good notes to help them assemble their oral reasons. It's been a lot of work, but it's really interesting, and it's really pulled in the concept from college where they say you need to know a topic well enough for an exam that you can even teach it to someone else, so I really have to detail stuff, but it's really helped me realize that I don't need to be perfect in the way I say things, just keep it conversational with the students so that I'm talking with them instead of at them.

I have the worlds longest to do list right now. It stretches over numerous pages of ledger paper. It's pretty much ridiculous and more than intimidating, but I am working through it all, step-by-step. I cannot wait to move to Corvallis though. However, I thought I would be moving down the Saturday before term, but now I won't be able to move down until the very day before term starts because of a livestock judging competition out in Pendleton on that Saturday before term. I don't really mind, and I'd love to be able to go and be there to encourage the kids and such, as I will be working with them on their livestock judging skills up until they need to go, but all the same, it's going to make the move down to Corvallis all the more stressful because of the time crunch. But I can do this. I will not let this whole thing, nor the added stress that my mother, whom I am currently living with, will soon be back in her 2nd year of nursing school. Somehow. I will get through this, and everything will be ok.


one. more. year.

and for now: two more weeks.

It's Saturday. Again. Already. How in the world did this happen? It seriously does not feel like another week has gone by. It doesn't even feel like I've been through the first week of classes. Well, I guess this is true because it wasn't really a full week of classes, just two full days and orientation for freshmen. So really, only like a half a week of school. Which at the same time, is really weird.

Time seems to be flying, but at the same time, each period of classes drag by like nobody's business. Plus, extra pressure is put on me to do the research to prepare the kids for things like the livestock judging competition when none of us here know how to livestock judge. I never thought I'd be put up to something like this, but it's totally cool. I'm up to a challenge.

A lot of it really reminds me of when I was in high school, only instead of being forced to sit through everything, I get to help present everything to the kids, which I guess is the general idea behind teaching. But especially because HRV is kinda my stomping grounds even though I never officially went to any classes here, my dog 4-H group used to meet in one of the classrooms that I now teach in with Mrs Bozarth. I may not have been in real livestock 4-H or FFA, but I knew just about all the innerworkings of how FFA works, and how the ag classes work and what all goes on in them. I'll have to say that even though I was homeschooled, the kids don't seem to care (they actually seem to appear as if it's awesome that I might have been a nerd/loser in the past, but have been able to overcome this and am now doing something cool), and the teachers I am working with don't mind and haven't been rude or condescending at all, which I had anticipated, but am so thankful to not have had any problems with it so far, which is amazing.

I have no free period during the day at all. But on the upside, there is an awesome camera that I will get to use for taking pictures for my upcoming homework assignment of the room and all of well, everything.

Yeah, I'd say the biggest thing right now is that I'm so overwhelmed with just life in general, not student teaching. Although I will admit that my most difficult class is Vet Science where we're going through livestock judging in preparation for the competition out in Pendleton on the 25th. I don't even know how to livestock judge, so common sense aside and that general knowledge, I'm having to teach myself in order to present it to the kids.

With Meadows having been here last year, and her proficiency in the topic from having been on the OSU livestock judging team, I feel super inadequate to even teach myself, much less present it in front of the high schoolers. But I am forcing myself to overlook it and really dive into anything I can find online to help teach myself the insanity that it is.

The other thing that really gets me is the Welding and Fabrication course. Mainly because I am not super proficient in the subject and my only real experience in it is the course I took at OSU last spring. The other part of it is that both classes are made up of a vast majority of boys... like, over 20 fifteen-year-old boys, who are just after an easy A an don'g give a crap about me or the class (well, potentially for the most part). Needless to say, it's intimidating, and I feel less that prepared for it in just about every way. But I am working on getting myself together to do whatever I need to feel like I am prepared for it.

time

is like, gone.

it seems like everything goes by so quickly. except for class periods. with 90 minutes of 30 fourteen year olds staring you down, i often feel like i just want my life to end. but then i have to remember that no matter what i say, they automatically think i'm at least somewhat interesting. or at least required to respect me as i am a part of their day if nothing else.

Days have no time. literally. i am busy either helping teach or teaching all day long. i get home and i'm super exhausted, but it's the only time i have to catch up on the rest of my life (which, right now, is actually stressing me a lot more than teaching is, which I had kinda anticipated, i knew the whole teaching part wouldn't be as hard as it was made out to be). i'm just crazy busy, that's all.

Freshmen

Today was Link Day, which was when all of the freshmen arrived on the school campus for orientation and shortened periods of all their upcoming courses. We managed to smash both A and B days plus several assemblies into one day. Not bad, but actually slightly boring as nothing super productive got done. Pretty much just tours and introductions to the courses and such (plus, not all the students were present for all the classes because we have more than just freshmen all the time).

I'm hoping to be able to use the school/department camera for taking pictures for my homework assignment that's due in October. I really want to get it going and done ASAP so that I won't have to worry about stressing over it later when I'll have even more to do all the time.

Staying in school right now in between the end of the school day and the FFA officers meeting for rituals. We have a week from today to get rituals ready for Leadership Camp, which is going to be at Camp Adams in Molalla, Oregon.

It's funny, today kinda reminded me of the first day of camp. Especially with the opening assemblies where everyone is introduced to everyone and stuff, and freshmen walking around all awkward, lost, and terrified. It made me kinda happy to know that I was back in a position to help them, but at the same time, i don't really know my way around this school to actually really help them in that area, and I still want to, well, be a teacher, so you have to have a certain level of like, no communication so that they don't get overly friendly and try to push your boundaries and edges all the time. I don't want to get trampled on. I know back when I was doing my early fields that I kinda somehow had that happen, but I kinda think that it was mostly because of how casual I treated the whole thing, not to mention how distracted I was about life in general at the time, and I really just didn't know what I was doing or what I was in for. I was such a noob back then, it's kinda funny to think back on.

But as far as reflective thoughts for the day:
hmm, I got to do the chicken dance and totally humiliate myself in front of the school, but it was alright and still slightly/mostly awesome. I love kids. They are bomb. It takes a lot of time, enthusiasm and energy to keep up with them and to keep their interest, but I enjoy it.

Overwhelmed doesn't even begin to cover it.


It's not really just the whole like, student teaching thing and the finances. It's just life in general.

Top things off, I really don't even have a place where I can study or even sleep right now. Between the fact that my sister has temporarily moved back home and that my parents have officially adjusted to us not living at home at all, our previous extra room (that we are now having to live in) has turned into extra storage of bicycles and other random boxes and objects that were previously stored in the basement or garage. With the recent addition to the family of a baby (aka: a new car for my dad), which is now housed in the garage, everything there has been moved into this studio apartment. Thankfully the hot water has been turned on up there (it's usually off and all the hot water was off while my family was at the beach [which I was supposed to meet up with after State fair]).

Regardless: things are going better, and after over a week, I am no longer sleeping in a sleeping bag amidst things that are not mine while my stuff hovers out on the front porch, lacking anywhere else to place it. But things have been shifted for now, which is good. I guess I had planned for more time between coming back from Iowa and going down to State Fair to live and rearrange my things.

It went down like this: cram in loads of classes, come near death during dead week, take finals, move, graduate, move more, pack for iowa, leave for iowa, stay in iowa all summer, come back from iowa, go straight to state fair, come home, go straight to teacher in-service and then to student teaching. No time in between to figure out what i need for the next step. Just one at a time, which is good, unless one takes the time to realize that I brought in zero income over the summer for upcoming rent, and that all of my things, save what I took with me to iowa, is still down in Corvallis (considering I do not live at home anymore).

This leaves me in a bind, because I'm missing some things that would be nice to have, but lack the time and funds to make the trip down there. I don't even have a bed to sleep in when I move back down to Corvallis, although, I suppose that should be the least of my worries when I can't even afford my rent right now. Lame. I have to work. I know I'm not supposed to with the program and all, but I can't afford not to. I'm not a bumming type. I can't just bum off of my friends. And having no location to live would only add to my stress level (that I am struggling to keep in balance).

somehow my weekend has managed to run away from me. it's like, I feel things go by so slowly, but, really, I never have enough time for anything anymore. I start to sit down to do something, and something or other comes up. I have so much on my plate right now. I'm going, going, going, all the time. There is zero time for me to do anything anymore. I haven't even had time to think about registering for fall term. aaaahh....

teacher fail

I so hate it when professors fail to update their syllabi from previous terms and years and expect us to know when assignments are due for the summer term. Get it together, man!!! We're paying how much to do how much work for your class that has waaaay too much busy work that we have to do in addition to normal life and everything else? Good gravy. Don't get mad at me if things are beyond my control (such as my getting a zero for an assignment that I had ready at the time it was due, but my internet was out? wtf, I don't know if you realize this, but I stayed up until 4am Central Standard Time just to get my assignment in to you, and then you give me a freaking zero? wow. a measly two hours late, and you give me nothing for all the hard work and stress I put into it and even after staying up beyond necessary... make me feel like such a failure, thanks a whole crap ton).

Have assignments due every friday? Don't up and surprise us and have the last freakishly massive assignment due on a Wednesday, without having updated the dates since March and then emailing us the wrong dates (being the week following the current dates) and then re-emailing us with the correct dates, making students (such as myself) freak out about life in general and consider self mutilation over intentional delays of assignments in addition to the vast amount of stress they are already under.

State fair: need to write about, potentially, wouldn't hurt anyway

Yesterday:
teacher in-service meetings, presentation by someone, felt kinda inferior to the other 600 teachers from the Hood River County School District at the HRVHS today. toured around the school and generally followed Schmidt around like a shadow at all times. more long (around 3 hours) of presentation mixed with videos and powerpoint. long and boring. all the teachers left and right were falling asleep, especially after we got into the Bowe Theater because it was warm and the chairs were more comfy. i'm cold. i've been in stinking hot Iowa all summer and I'm definitely not re-adjusted to the oh-so common wind and drizzle of Hood River, Oregon. I'm also not adjusted back to the time change.

today: meeting in the library, found out that i get to do the chicken dance in front of all the freshmen next week. which is slightly nerve wracking. i hate being the "new person" but at the same time, with my past experience of making a complete and total fool of myself in front of 200 kids at a residential music camp for the last four summers, I think I can handle just a chicken dance with the rest of the new staff. working on my calendar for the aged website was a challenge. I had to do and redo it several times because I forgot that we're on a block schedule here, so yay extra work for me with that. but oh well, I'll manage to get through it some how. I've started eating away at the never ending material that is my BINDER OF DOOM. it's not all that bad, really, i'm just terrified of the year and kinda stressing over it, but I know that I can only get through it by faith, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, so its just a matter of trusting Him that I can actually make it through the year and not feel like a total fool for having undertaken such an immense thing. all professional. all grown up. I'm only 22. I feel so unprepared for "real life" I suppose I'm also stressing about what I'm going to wear more than I should too. as I'm your quintessential osu student, my wardrobe includes jeans, converse, tshirts from school events, and sweats. that is basically all, save a few formals for special occasions. yup. that'd be it. leaving me in a bind for "professional attire" as per requirement for this year.... blah, and without finances being forthcoming, I'm schtuck. thankfully i have a bit left from the few hours I was able to put in at Subway out in Iowa this summer which afforded me some to get a few things, but I'm still concerned about things.

I'm also late. I hate being late. To anything, work and church especially. Just really gets to me. i don't want to be known as the girl who is always late to everything. I'm not always late. I was brought up right, I know how to be on time for things. I know what it takes. It really pushes me over the edge when people try to make sure I know what it takes to get places on time. Sometimes other things come up, or I have to be a million bazillion places all at the same time. And then everyone freaks out and stresses things more which only adds to my immense amount of stress from school, student teaching, life, family, finances... everything. I really hate it. I am not a tardy person. I have this retarded habit of liking to be 10 minutes early to every lecture. Perhaps this is because of in that one soul-sucking class of mine back in Sophomore year that if we weren't 15 minutes early? we were late. and therefore absent, which counted as our course grade. I have slightly slipped out of this habit, but I have full faith that I can pull through with it again. Especially when my parents are back at home and I have to fight for the kitchen and bathroom every morning with my family before I head of to school for the day.

Can't afford my rent as soon as term starts. No idea what I'm going to do about this. Really stressing about it. It's totally no bueno.

summer

So a potential new location for me to accomplish my internship needed to complete my undergraduate degree has come up. But it means that I might be going to Iowa for the duration of the summer. Sounds insanely crazy and stressful up the wall, but at the same time, I'm super stoked about the potential.

Here's to keeping it on the front lines of prayer to shove off in a month .

Wow. Yeah. If I do go, I'll be out there in one month, today. Now if that isn't a wild thought, I'm not super positive what is.

I have an advising appointment on Tuesday to confirm that it would, indeed, be an acceptable location for me to accomplish my internship.

*fingers crossed*

*prayers said constantly*

God, let this please work out!!!

I could really accomplish a lot if I were to go!!!

Road trip with friends, visit with my aunt, work on a farm (start a farm), help my aunt and her husband move into their new house, bless them with my Christian lifestyle.

Oh, how I hope this all goes through!!!!

abbreviations to know

AgEd = Agriculture Education

Ag&Tech = Agriculture and Technology

FFA = Future Farmers of America

SAE = Supervised Agriculture Experience

L&S = Look and See day

HRV = prospective student teaching location

OSU = my university

the program

See, the weird thing about the Ag&Tech department of high schools, is that it's not just one class. I mean, at the same time, I do so not envy my friends in the elementary education program because they have to cover ALL the bases of several grades... math, reading, writing, science, history, etc. Insane. But all the same, AgEd is wood shop, soils, ag mechanics (construction), welding, small engines, greenhouse, computers, horticulture, animal science, vet science, environmental science, crops, and others. It's a narrow field, but still extremely broad. So in addition to having to prepare for teaching classes and going to respective teacher meetings, there is also SAE, which is Supervised Agriculture Experience, which is well, exactly that: supervising the kids in an agriculture experience or setting them up to like, be interns at a farm or ranch. There is also FFA, which is what AgEd is in practice. Future Farmers of America is what it used to stand for when it was actually for those going into farming, now it's more of just an elective for students to take or potential vocational studies, as many of the classes offered would be potential careers for the students. So there's the FFA leadership team meetings, Livestock Leader meetings, potential 4-H meetings if I so choose to get into that side of things, and then there's also the FFA leadership camp, and Ag in the Classroom, which is associated with Look and See Days. Ag in the Classroom is when the high schoolers go to elementary schools and read books about farmers and show them different grains and products that come from farms: mostly to let kids learn that bread doesn't automatically come in a bag - it's from wheat, and that milk comes from cows, and eggs come from chickens - not the refrigerator as so many believe. Look and See Days is when the elementary school kids come to the Ag&Tech program at the high school. They get to do hands-on activities and see things growing in the garden, pet the FFA chapter animals that are on location, take a plant home, and other things like that. It's things that city kids would potentially never get to see, plus it's a fun thing for them to get to do and it's leadership building for the high schoolers.

Concept

I thought I should start a blog, considering I will be student teaching for at least 13 weeks in the upcoming year. I want to remember stuff I did during my early field experience, but also, some moments are hilarious, some stressful to the end of the world, but others powerfully moving. So yes, that sounds quite cheesy, but whatever.

Working with students is going to be a MASSIVE challenge, but I'm really excited about it. I think the nerves and the excitement probably nearly balance each other out. Which is a weird concept to grasp. I'm not sure I can even do that. But I'm trying. Not only that is the concept that I've never ever thought of myself or seen myself as being a teacher in the future.